Your Co-Workers Are Complicated (Yes, Even Jane in Accounting)

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

Your co-workers are complicated.

Jane in accounting always seems hurried and tasky and cold. But did you know she has a history of multiple traumas in her life. She lost a parent in a tragic accident at a young age, and she was assaulted in college. She's very afraid of getting close to people, even though she deeply longs for it.

Pedro in the HR department is the loud, party guy, right? Kind of annoying sometimes. But that guy tries so hard to bring joy to his work-life, because he knows that when he goes home to care for his aging mother, he can't bring the energy that is so important to his identity. In fact, it's been really hard for him since his mom started sleeping all the time and he needs to keep things quiet for the whole afternoon and evening at home.

Samantha, the marketing manager, often appears distant and detached during team meetings. Little do her colleagues know that she battles chronic anxiety and depression, which make it difficult for her to fully engage and express herself. She constantly worries about being judged or misunderstood.

David, the software developer, often keeps to himself and avoids social interactions. Behind his introverted nature lies a painful divorce that left him emotionally scarred. He struggles with feelings of loneliness and insecurity, making it challenging for him to trust others and form new connections.

Sarah, the customer service representative, is known for her short temper and occasional outbursts. Few realize that she is going through a difficult custody battle, fighting for the well-being of her children. The stress and emotional strain have taken a toll on her, causing moments of frustration and vulnerability.

Jamal, over in IT, is great at his job. But nobody has ever really asked him what truly makes his heart soar. So nobody really gets him. See, he's a youth hockey coach over at the YMCA and he's mentored and cared for hundreds of kids over the last 10 years. He's one of the sweetest, most thoughtful, most compassionate people those kids have ever known... but at work, he's just the guy you ask to fix your email.

Michael, the project manager, always seems overworked and stressed. He carries the weight of financial struggles and mounting debt, as he supports his family while also pursuing his dream of starting a business. The pressure to succeed often keeps him awake at night, impacting his ability to focus and maintain a calm demeanor.

Lisa, the administrative assistant, is frequently seen wearing long sleeves, even in warm weather. Unbeknownst to her colleagues, she battles self-harm urges as a coping mechanism for deep-rooted emotional pain. Each day is a battle for her to overcome the inner turmoil that others cannot see.

What about you?

The Digital Ceiling: An Invisible Barrier Limiting Your Career Potential

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

I was talking with my business partner, Josh, the other day. He's always tuned into a different frequency than I am, and I love learning from the way his mind works. We were talking about the changing dynamics of the workplace (probably sparked by us both feeling really old around a bunch of young Gen Z employees who are out-working, out-thinking, and out-hustling our greying selves).

Anyway, he said this, "A phenomenon I don’t hear anyone talking about is that entry level work is digital... work from home stuff. Mid-level work is managing digital and remote workers. But C-level work is still largely personal. It’s still who you know. Ignoring Social Excellence is accepting something like a digital glass ceiling on most people’s careers. While everyone may work from home, Social Excellence may be the difference between the traditional cubicle job and the metaphorical corner office. The C-suite, small business owners, start up founders, VCs, and major players of tomorrow will be the ones who embrace Social Excellence principles today."

He's smart.

There's a Digital Ceiling that is being built right now. Made up of invisible ones and zeroes. Made up of people choosing to work from home. Made up of the comfort of digital-only work.

Not that working from home is a bad thing.

It's just that it is limiting.

Today's young workers will have to work really hard -- harder than ever -- to build the relationships that will prepare them for ascendency up the ranks. Today's young workers will have to do more than walk few offices down, or take the elevator up to the 7th floor... they'll have to actively build and sustain real relationships.

Historically, the corporate world has looked at Social Excellence training as a "nice to do." I believe they called it "soft skills." Now, it seems more essential than ever that we know how to build personal patterns of behavior that will lead to real relationships (that will lead to you building the career you dream of).

Love At Work: How To Do It In Front of Everyone

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

I just want people to feel loved at work.

Is that crazy to say? Love. At work?

Do you feel loved at work?

I really do think it's possible for people to feel that.

[PAUSE] Did you think this article was about romance in the office? Sorry. I’m not great at clear article titles. Ooopsy. #clickbait [RESUME]

As I was saying... I really do think it's possible for people to feel love at work.

Someone just has to break the ice. Someone just has to give love first.

Here are ten ways you can give LOVE to others at work (and yes, this list is inspired by the book, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

Words of Affirmation: Offer sincere and specific compliments to your colleagues, acknowledging their unique strengths and contributions. For example, tell a team member, "Your attention to detail on that project really impressed me. You have a remarkable ability to spot even the tiniest errors."

Acts of Service: Help alleviate a colleague's workload by offering assistance or taking on a task without being asked. For instance, surprise a coworker by saying, "I noticed you've been swamped lately. Let me take care of that report for you so you can have some breathing room."

Quality Time: Set aside dedicated time to connect with your coworkers on a personal level. Arrange a lunch or coffee break to engage in meaningful conversations unrelated to work. Show genuine interest in their lives and actively listen to their stories, thoughts, and aspirations.

Gifts: Thoughtfully select small tokens of appreciation to show your colleagues that you value them. For example, give a coworker a book related to their hobbies or interests, accompanied by a note expressing why you think they would enjoy it.

Thoughtful Gestures: Show kindness through thoughtful gestures that cater to your coworkers' preferences and interests. For example, if you know a colleague loves a particular type of tea or coffee, surprise them with their favorite beverage one morning. This simple act shows that you pay attention to their preferences and care about their well-being.

Acts of Inclusion: Create an inclusive and welcoming environment where everyone feels valued. Include coworkers in conversations, invite them to social events, and ensure they have a voice in team discussions. For instance, actively seek input from introverted colleagues who may be more reserved.

Encouragement and Support: Be a source of encouragement and support for your coworkers during challenging times. Offer words of motivation and reassure them of their abilities. Share a heartfelt note with a colleague who's facing a tough deadline, saying, "You've got this! Your dedication and talent will see you through."

Mentorship and Guidance: Offer your knowledge and experience to mentor colleagues who may benefit from your guidance. Provide constructive feedback, share insights, and empower them to grow professionally. Taking someone under your wing and investing in their development is a powerful expression of love.

Celebrate Milestones: Acknowledge and celebrate important milestones and achievements of your coworkers. Send them a congratulatory email, recognize their accomplishments in team meetings, or organize a surprise celebration to honor their successes.

Random Acts of Kindness: Engage in unexpected acts of kindness to brighten someone's day. Leave a positive and uplifting note on a colleague's desk, bring in treats for the team, or offer to take on a task they dislike. These small gestures can make a big impact and create a culture of love and kindness in the workplace.

*BONUS* Say “I Love You:” I know this stretches the boundaries of some folks (and some workplaces). But I'm personally a big believer that the more we express our true feelings of platonic and natural human love for people, the more we can break free from the bonds of societal expectations that keep us all safely arms-distanced from each other. Don't share this bonus recommendation with HR.

Remember, demonstrating love at work is about creating an environment where people feel valued, appreciated, wondered about, noticed, and like they matter. Lots of folks have life backgrounds that never gave them those feelings. Your little gestures might mean a lot more than you know.

Your Water Cooler Game Is Weak

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

Hey there friend. Are you really coming at your colleagues with that weak water cooler game?

The weather. Sports. Commuting delays. The boss. 

C'mon. You're better than that aren't you? You really want to spend your whole career with surface level conversations that result in surface level relationships that result in a surface level life?

Dig in. Connect. Ask a powerful question. Be curious about why your colleague said that. Ask about what matters. 

Water cooler moments (or coffee breaks or pre-meeting chit chat or hallway banter) don't have to be just a moment that passes. They can be moments that matter.

Your career success, and your life's fulfillment, will be determined by your ability to connect. Don't settle for the surface. Dig a little.

CONFERENCE NETWORKINGZZZZZZZZZ

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

Conferences, conventions, meetings, and seminars. Staples of professional life. Whether you’re a corporate connector, an association maven, a non-profit networker, or really anyone else with a job or an organizational affiliation — you’ve been to a conference.

Sometimes those conferences are amazing. Sometimes… maybe most times… they’re painful.

*SPECIAL NOTE: Are You An Introvert? Read This Too!

Sure, the keynote speakers are entertaining. Sure, the food and beverages are delightful. Often just being away from the office (and home!) can be the real treat. But the real reason people attend conferences often leaves them wanting.

“I want to build relationships in the industry.”

“I’m hoping to build a network of people who I care about.”

“I want to find a mentor who can be my advocate and supporter.”

“I want to learn how other people across the country are dealing with the challenges I’m facing.”

IT’S THE PEOPLE, PEOPLE! Great conference experiences – the ones people tell stories about, the ones that change lives — aren’t built from room rates, staging, A/V, signage, apps, or scheduling. They’re built from an environment that encourages and supports real, meaningful, care-filled relationships.

And I don’t mean an exchange of business cards. Yuck! I’ll be honest… I absolutely HATE “conference conversations.”

“Where do you work? Oh, what do you do there? Mmm-hmm. Now where did you say you live? Oh, it’s so cold/hot/flat/beautiful/friendly/big/small there. [Forced laughter] How about this weather. Well it was great to meet you, [Peeks sneakily at nametag] <INSERT FIRST NAME>. Can I get your business card? Let’s stay connected. I need to check my text messages. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

We know that when you ask people why they attend a conference, they’ll tell you “TO NETWORK” as one of their top two reasons. But most people leave most conferences feeling empty and cheated. They went to ed sessions. They saw the keynotes. They even went to the “networking events,” but they didn’t make any real connections. They had a lot of conversations like the one described above. “Conference conversations.” Surface level. Yuck.

In an increasingly disconnected world, face-to-face meetings matter now more than ever. But the meetings can’t feel like an extension of social media — individuals broadcasting their agendas with gossipy trolls commenting in the wings. Meetings need to be full of HUMAN CONNECTION. That’s why people are coming.

When the conference environment fails to deliver this feeling of authentic human connection, participants (and more and more, vendors) put a band-aid over the awkwardness by serving… booze (in some industries, anyway). Lots of it. All day long. Which makes the conversations slightly louder, funnier, and more entertaining — but not more important, impactful, or long-lasting.

So what do you do if you’re a meeting planner or someone in charge of organizing conferences? Our opinion (and yeah, this is a sales pitch): Open the conference by reminding participants that humans are social animals – everything we’re trying to accomplish as professionals, as leaders, and as change makers depends upon our ability to connect with other humans.

• Social Excellence is the philosophy through which you’ll succeed no matter what your job is.

• All leadership is social. Your ability to connect determines your ability to lead.

• All networking is based on authenticity and vulnerability, not sarcasm and wit.

• Real, meaningful conversations are all anyone really wants, but most of us aren’t well-practiced in creating conversations with meaning.

• The real learning at a conference happens when people discuss the real application of lessons – outside the session room.

• People will be happier and more likely to return to your conference if they can create real relationships with multiple people.

Here’s the thing. Most people know they want to “network,” they know they want “connections,” and when you ask them privately, they also know that they get nervous, scared, awkward, and clumsy when it comes to actually trying to make new friends.

Bring human connection to your next conference or meeting. Nothing else matters if your attendees don’t feel connected.

INTROVERT’S GUIDE TO CONFERENCE SUCCESS

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

So, I don’t love using this word, but I’ve admitted it before and it’s true… I am an introvert.

{If YOU are in introvert too, let me offer a resource that isn’t ours. I really like this substack from Greg Roche called “The Introverted Networker.” OK, carry on}

That said, I attended a conference solo not long ago… and it was HARD.

That got me thinking about how many other people find themselves attending big conferences (often by themselves) and who might feel anxious, unprepared, and unsure of how to be successful.

Here are my TOP 10 TIPS FOR CONFERENCE SUCCESS (especially for introverted folks):

Make Relationships Your Goal: First, have a goal. Most people spend big money on conference attendance and never stop to ask what they’re hoping to accomplish. I recommend focusing on building new meaningful personal connections. Not passing out as many business cards as humanly possible. You want to come home with real people you really know and can really stay connected with. Every person’s career/purpose will be bolstered by a true “family” of people they trust in the field. It’s not about knowing as many people as possible, it’s about having a friend group within the industry.

One Meaningful Connection Per Two Waking Hours: A lot of people go into a conference thinking they have to meet 10,000 people, and there’s so little time, and also they have to eat, and oh God how are they going to do it, and what if I forget names!!!!!! Be cool, bro. Set some realistic and smart expectations. You’re aiming for real relationships. Not tons of names.* Make your goal 1 person per 2 hours. You’ll probably go beyond that. But that’s reachable and manageable. It also allows for some downtime if you need it. At the end of each conference day, think about the 4-6 people you’ve truly connected with over the last 8-12 hours of conference fun. That’s success

*But What If I’m a Vendor/Salesperson or Looking for Leads? You’ll note my asterisk in the paragraph above. Some people (me included sometimes) really need to come back from a conference with a list of leads to which they can sell their stuff (or recruit, or fund raise, or whatever). I get it. Here’s my tip for you — create little moments of emotional connection, and write it down along with their name. Names alone can’t be considered a success. You can buy a list. No, you want a name AND a shared memory to follow up on. Use #SocialExcellence (buy the book here) to tap into the power of creating momentary connection — use curiosity, generosity, authenticity, and vulnerability to create just a little heart to heart connection. Write down those names AND moments. That’s success. Now you have a reason to follow up and something to remember together when you do.

Have 3-5 Favorite Questions: I don’t mean work-related salesy questions. I mean your favorite three, four, or five questions you can ask anyone to strike up a real conversation. Mine are, “What’s your story?” “Tell me about your family,” “Give me a highlight (of your day/conference/etc.),” and “What’s next/What are you looking forward to?” These questions are my go-to questions to make small talk something more than small.

Never Eat Alone (Well, actually, go ahead if you need to): Meals are great places to deepen connections — remember, depth is better than quantity as long as your quantity is at least 4-6 different real relationships per day. One of our favorite books from the last 15 years is by a guy named Keith Ferrazzi. He wrote a book called Never Eat Alone, but he also wrote this fun guide to being a “Conference Commando.” Read the guide. Share meals (O.K., you get one Room Service meal, but that’s it!). Bonus tip: Set up lunch and dinner at breakfast time and breakfast at dinner time the day before. Plan your meals ahead. Ask, “I don’t have plans for breakfast/lunch/dinner yet, what are your plans?”

Take a Breather (Or Several): Almost every conference I attend, I will find a 20-30 minute portion in the middle of the day to go back to my hotel room, check my E-mail, and mostly sit in silence. Seriously, do this. You will be friendlier, more curious, and far more engaging if you care for yourself throughout the day. Don’t be afraid to disappear. Tell your FOMO to chill out for a minute, you’re not missing anything that a good question can’t catch you up on — “I needed a break this afternoon, give me some highlights of what I missed.” Just don’t forget to give yourself a pep talk after 20-minutes to get back out there! You only get one chance to make the most of this conference.

Carry A Book: This is a classic move by my good friend Woody Woodcock. He always carries a book he’s reading as he makes his way around a conference. Not in a backpack. Not along with a binder, a conference program, give-aways from the exhibit hall, and a bunch of other junk. He always has a book that he’s reading and a small journal. That’s it. The journal allows him to take notes, and the book allows other people to ask, “What book are you reading?” Of course Woody always chooses a book that he’s both interested in and that will allow him to have conversations about a topic of his choice. What book will you be carrying around your next conference? Bonus: Need another introvert break? Find a coffee shop, sit down, and read that book!

Have Fun in the Exhibit Hall: Exhibit halls are fun. Each table/booth represents people who are being paid to carry on a conversation with you! Pressure’s on them! LOL. But another reason I love it is that those exhibitors are just begging for someone interesting to come by so they don’t have to give that tired old pitch again. Make the exhibit hall your playground. Use the (required) energy of the exhibitors to boost your own energy. Give them high fives. Ask them to tell you a joke. Take selfies with them and tag them on social media (they’ll love this). Do all this with a “wing man” — someone you met before the exhibit hall and asked, “Hey, want to check out the exhibit hall together and see if we can make some of the vendors our friends?”

Real Learning Doesn’t Happen In Sessions: I really believe this. The real learning happens around the edges of a conference. It happens with the people you talk with in the hallways. It happens because you ask good questions to other attendees and you listen to learn from them. Real learning happens over lunch or dinner, or in the giant lines at Starbucks. Real learning happens because you’re prepared to ask questions that matter to you and that allow people to share good insights. An old trick: ask better questions by starting them with one of these phrases — “How” “Why” “Tell me about” “Explain to me” “Help me understand”.

Be Healthy (or Something):  I run. Especially at conferences. It makes me feel better about myself, it allows me some quiet “me time,” and I almost always run into someone else (either at the gym or on nearby scenic running routes) who is attending the same conference and who I introduce myself to (either during the run or when I find them later at the conference). For you maybe that’s a workout. Or reading/journaling in a coffee shop early in the morning. Or going for a walk. Or checking out local stores. Or whatever — do you, but be aware of others around you who might be doing them as well.

Enjoy your next conference! Be successful, be happy, and be yourself. Remember, the goal is relationships and relationships are built through authentic connection with other humans. Take down your walls of “conference fake smile” and “business-y perfection” and “too cool to care.” Everyone else at the conference hates the fakeness and the craziness that they normally encounter at these things too. Help build genuine connection. Need advice or a pep talk? Email me or find me on LinkedIn.

"Nobody is BOLD Anymore." (The Missing Professional Ingredient in Your Beige Career)

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

Are you feeling stuck in your professional journey, craving a fresh perspective and a renewed sense of purpose?

I dare you to try out a posture in your professional conversations and relationships this next quarter... see what it does for your career.

Ready?

BOLD.

Before I dive in too deep, let me explain why I'm writing this article... Sometimes in professional development seminars or keynotes, I'll have my audience choose their favorite word from our definition of "Social Excellence" (click here to read it for yourself).

People used to pick "bold" all the time.

As the years have passed (and generations have shifted), fewer and fewer people (fewer young people especially) are picking the word, "bold." Perhaps its the prevailing pessimism of Gen Z. Perhaps its the story of financial insecurity shared by too many of the Millenials who came before them. I'm not sure what it is... but we're seeing fewer and fewer bold voices in the workplace.

BOLD.

That word is important. That word is powerful.

And to be honest, that word is often misunderstood.

When I say BOLD, I don't mean being pushy, obnoxious, or wreckless with your interactions.

Quite the opposite. Boldness requires finesse. Boldness is born in your heart. Boldness is selfless, when done right.

In a sea of mediocrity, where complacency is the norm, choosing to be bold is a radical act of self-liberation. It's about breaking free from the shackles of fear and complacency and embracing the fullness of your potential. So, let's dive deeper into what it means to be bold in your workplace interactions and conversations.

Being bold means standing up for others. It means being their advocate, their ally, and their voice when they can't find their own. Boldness empowers you to challenge unfairness, inequality, and discrimination, creating a workplace that fosters inclusivity and belonging for all.

Boldness also requires humility — the humility to admit when you don't have all the answers, the willingness to seek advice and guidance from others, and the openness to learn from different perspectives. It's about recognizing that collaboration and shared knowledge are the pillars of growth and innovation. It's about fighting for the collective wisdom of the team over the limitations of individual loud voices.

But boldness doesn't stop at humility — it takes courage to share your opinions, knowing that they may face resistance or disagreement. It means embracing constructive conflict and engaging in robust discussions that challenge the status quo. By sharing your unique insights and perspectives, you contribute to a culture of diverse ideas and breakthrough solutions.

Being bold is not about merely pointing out problems; it's about being solution-oriented. It's about bringing proactive and innovative ideas to the table, demonstrating your commitment to making a positive impact. Boldness means rolling up your sleeves, taking ownership of challenges, and working tirelessly to find resolutions that propel your team and organization forward.

So, how can you cultivate boldness in your professional life this upcoming quarter?

Will you accept the dare to be bold in your professional interactions and conversations?

Start by embracing discomfort and stepping out of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself to take on new projects, lead initiatives, or speak up in meetings. Each step you take outside your comfort zone will strengthen your boldness muscle and expand your capabilities.

Remember, being bold is not a one-time act but a lifelong commitment. It requires perseverance and resilience. Embrace failures as opportunities to learn and grow. And above all, be true to yourself, as boldness stems from authenticity.

Now is the time to break free from the chains of conformity and choose the path of boldness. Embrace the power within you and let it illuminate your professional journey. Be brave, be humble, be courageous, and be the catalyst for positive change. Your boldness will not only transform your professional life but inspire those around you to do the same. It's time to be bold.

Professional Networking for Young Pros in Today's Modern Business World

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

Today's ever-evolving business landscape can be intimidating. Especially for young professionals.

You obviously already know that professional networking plays a crucial role in career success and personal fulfillment. But effective networking is much easier to talk about than it is to do.

Let's explore some below-the-surface-level guidance and a handful of actionable tips to enhance your networking skills.

(Hint: This is all based on our proven Social Excellence philosophy. Learn more for absolutely no cost at all by clicking here to sign up for a 21 Day email series.)

1. Every Moment Is A Choice

Our professional lives are comprised of numerous momentary interactions that shape our reputation, personal growth, and professional network. We are defined by our choices in these tiny moments. These fleeting connections, whether we choose to engage or not, have a significant impact on our professional lives. While there are many aspects of our professional lives beyond our control, how we engage with fellow professionals remains within our influence. Remember that networking is not merely collecting LinkedIn connections or business cards; it's about building authentic relationships with real people. Approach networking as a calling from the heart and make intentional choices in every interaction to strengthen and nurture your network.

2. Introverts are Networkers Too

Labels such as "introvert" or "extrovert" should never hinder us from achieving our networking goals. While these labels help us understand our tendencies and energy sources, they should never stand in the way of us from becoming exceptional professional networkers. Whether networking in-person or online, introverts can excel by embracing their unique strengths and employing the following tips:

- Seek out smaller, intimate networking events or online communities where you can engage in meaningful conversations.

- Prioritize quality over quantity, focusing on building deeper connections with a select group of individuals.

- Leverage your listening skills and empathy to make others feel valued and heard.

- Take breaks when needed to recharge and find moments of solitude within networking environments.

3. Create the Culture You Crave

As professionals, our environment significantly impacts our well-being and growth. While some may find themselves in toxic workplaces or feel disillusioned by industry dynamics, we have the power (or at least some power) to shape the culture we desire. Networking is not a mechanical task focused solely on job opportunities; it's about intentionally surrounding ourselves with colleagues who contribute to the culture we crave. Seek out meaningful relationships and personal friendships with professionals who share your life purpose and treat others with kindness and respect. By deliberately building a network aligned with your values, you can cultivate a professional environment that uplifts and fulfills you.

4. Navigating Virtual Connections

In today's virtual landscape, maximizing networking opportunities requires adaptability and creativity. While social media platforms like LinkedIn are essential tools, remember that professional networking is about human connections. Consider the following strategies to enhance virtual networking:

- Actively participate in online industry forums, virtual conferences, and webinars to engage with like-minded professionals.

- Utilize video calls (no matter how your background looks) to establish a more personal and authentic connection with contacts.

- Show genuine interest in others' work and experiences, seeking opportunities to support and collaborate.

- Leverage social media platforms to showcase your expertise and engage in meaningful conversations within your industry.

5. Embrace Curiosity and Uncertainty

To build meaningful relationships in today's modern business world, it is essential to embrace curiosity and uncertainty. Thinking you know it all, or worse, acting like it, is a massive career roadblock. Approach interactions with genuine curiosity about others, their perspectives, and their experiences. Ask open-ended questions, actively listen, and seek to understand before being understood. Curiosity opens the door to deeper connections and fosters empathy and understanding.

Similarly, embrace uncertainty as an opportunity for growth. Recognize that you may encounter individuals with different backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences. Instead of shying away from these differences, embrace them as opportunities for learning and expanding your own worldview. Be open to challenging your assumptions and be willing to engage in respectful conversations even when there is disagreement. By embracing curiosity and uncertainty, you create an environment where meaningful relationships can thrive.

6. Distinguish Between Relationship-Building and Transactional Moments

In the pursuit of professional networking, it is important to distinguish between relationship-building moments and transactional moments. Relationship-building moments are characterized by genuine connections, meaningful conversations, and a focus on building rapport and trust. These moments go beyond superficial exchanges and seek to establish a foundation for long-term relationships.

On the other hand, transactional moments are more task-oriented and focused on immediate outcomes. While they have their place in professional interactions, relying solely on transactional moments can hinder the development of deep and meaningful connections. Strive to prioritize relationship-building moments by investing time and effort into getting to know others, showing genuine interest, and fostering authentic connections. By recognizing the difference between transactional and relationship-building moments, you can cultivate a network based on trust, support, and mutual growth.

Embracing the art of professional networking in today's modern business world requires intentionality, curiosity, and authenticity. Remember, networking is not just about transactions; it's about forging genuine connections with fellow professionals who share your aspirations and values.

Feed Your Workplace Culture These Three Things

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

Workplace culture is not a fixed and permanent reality. You don't write a mission statement or a set of workplace values and then you're done.

Culture is an ever evolving organism. It is alive. It can become malnourished or it can flourish. You have to feed it.

Workplace culture will thrive if you feed it these three things constantly.

1) Acknowledge the Full Humanity of Your People: Every individual in the workplace brings a unique set of experiences, perspectives, and aspirations. And they also bring a whole bunch of difficult real-life stuff with them every day. Kids, elder care, money troubles, family drama, mental health challenges, things they only tell their therapist, etc. To cultivate a culture that thrives, we must recognize and honor the full, complicated, messy humanity of our people. Always see your colleagues up close. Wonder about their challengs. Celebrate their real-life wins with them. Give them grace and forgiveness because they're wildly complicated and almost certainly trying their best.

2) Connection First, Production Second: In the pursuit of productivity and results, it's easy to overlook the importance of human connection. It sounds like one of those "soft skills" you heard about at a seminar one time. But a culture that prioritizes connection over production recognizes that true success is built on strong relationships and a sense of belonging. People don't care about their job until their job cares about them. This is why we believe so deeply in Social Excellence as a cultural centerpiece for businesses and organizations. By fostering genuine connections among team members, we create an environment where trust, empathy, and collaboration can flourish. When individuals feel valued and supported, they are more likely to support your cause and add value to the company.

3) Non-Negotiable “People Like us” Prompt: Do your people know how to finish this sentence? “People like us… people who work here… we always ________ and we never ________.” I’m convinced that too many organizations haven’t clearly defined WHO they are. I don’t mean the boring page on your website that nobody ever visits. Or the Successories frame with your special values you have hanging on the walls. I mean a passionate answer to the “People Like Us Do Things Like This” prompt. A thriving culture is built upon shared values and commitments that are non-negotiable. By clearly providing an answer to this prompt, and upholding these shared commitments, accountability and productivity become a lot more likely.

Create the culture you crave.

If you want to work in a place that is the kind of place you want to work, then you have to work to create that kind of place (did that sentence make sense?).

Nurturing a flourishing workplace culture requires ongoing effort and intentional actions. You have to feed it.

Remember, culture is not a one-time endeavor. It is a continuous process of feeding and nurturing. By acknowledging the full humanity of our people, prioritizing connection over production, and establishing shared non-negotiable commitments, we can cultivate a workplace culture that drives results, retention, and a rewarding home away from home for people.

Culture. Feed it.

How To Talk Like a Human at Work According to ChatGPT

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

I asked ChatGPT for some Socially Excellent ideas to start up more meaningful conversations at work. I said, "Be playful with your ideas."

As predicted, the robot's ideas are kind of dumb.

But maybe there’s something we can learn. Read my commentary. And read to the end for some practical takeaways.

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Me: “Hi ChatGPT. Would you please generate a list of mundane, boring, cliche workplace conversation starters along with better alternative ideas that might lead to more meaningful human connection? Be playful with your ideas! Thanks!”

Robot: Sure! Here are 10 playful alternatives to mundane workplace conversation starters:

Robot: Instead of "How about this weather?" try "What's your favorite bizarre weather phenomenon? I'm partial to spontaneous cloud formations shaped like famous celebrities."

Me: No. Don’t ask that or say that. But maybe offer a story about a weather-related memory and ask if they have any similar memories.

Robot: Instead of "Did you catch the game last night?" try "If you could create a new sport combining any two existing sports, what would it be called and how would it be played? I'm thinking underwater basketball with synchronized swimming halftime shows."

Me: OK. I guess this is fine. But maybe instead of going straight to ridiculous 7th grade camp level ridiculous icebreaker prompts, maybe try asking for a story about their favorite sports team, or what turned them into such a fan.

Robot: Instead of "What are your plans for the weekend?" try "If you could teleport anywhere in the world this weekend, where would you go? And more importantly, can I stow away in your teleportation pod?"

Me: This isn’t the worst.

Robot: Instead of "Did you see the latest episode of that popular TV show?" try "If you could be a character in any TV show, which one would you choose and why? Personally, I'm torn between becoming a dragon-riding wizard in a fantasy epic or a talking pizza delivery guy in a quirky sitcom."

Me: Dude. What? This is just the weird version of “are you more of a Miranda, Samantha, Carrie, or Charlotte?” That’s just fun stuff. Fun is good. But half dragon, half pizza guy is a little out there, AI overlord.

Robot: Instead of "How was your commute today?" try "What's the most creative way you've ever avoided rush hour traffic? I once rode a unicycle through a secret underground tunnel."

Me: The alternative question here is good. Also, “How do you make the most of your commute?" is good. But the unicycle thing is just stupid, Chatty.

Robot: Instead of "Can you believe it's only Wednesday?" try "If you could invent a new day of the week, what would it be called and what kind of shenanigans would be allowed on that day? I vote for 'Friyay Jr.' with mandatory karaoke breaks every hour."

Me: Sure. Whatever.

Robot: Instead of "Any plans for the holidays?" try "If you could have an unlimited budget for a dream vacation, where would you go and what extraordinary experiences would you have? I'm thinking a trip to the moon with zero-gravity ice cream tasting sessions."

Me: You can dial it back just a notch, robot. Goodness. People have wonderful and complicated emotions related to holidays and family gatherings. You don't have to bring in zero-gravity ice cream to find something to connect about. How about you just CARE about people's complicated relationships with holidays.

Robot: Instead of "How about them [local sports team]?" try "If you could create a mascot for our office, what would it be and what would its superpower be? I'm envisioning a fearless coffee bean with the ability to teleport caffeine directly into our mugs."

Me: Silly icebreaker questions and demonstrating genuine curiosity are, in fact, two very different things.

Robot: Instead of "Any exciting updates on your projects?" try "If you could work on any fictional project from a book, movie, or TV show, which one would you choose? I'd love to be a part of a secret spy mission led by a genius sloth."

Me: I don’t even know how to answer that question, robot! I actually thought the first one you asked here was better.

Robot: Instead of "Do you have any pets?" try "If you could have any legendary mythical creature as a pet, which one would you choose and how would you take care of it? I'm torn between a baby dragon that sneezes glitter and a phoenix that doubles as a personal alarm clock."

Me: No. Stop. Just ask about their pets. Just wonder about their relationship with their animals. Just dig deeper about how their pets bring them joy. Stop with the mythical creature stuff.

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If you made it this far through the ChatGPT Robot's goofy recommendations, congratulations!

As a real human, here are three takeaways I hope you'll implement in your workplace interactions.

1) Sincere is Better Than Silly. You don't have to be wacky to be someone who cultivates real connection.

2) Mundane Might Lead to Meaning. Don't feel pressure to "never do small talk." Small talk is fine. Just keep going with it. Go one level deeper. Ask simple follow up questions.

3) Fun Fuels Friendships. Being fun and playful is actually great. People are craving it in their lives and in their workplaces. Don't take "networking" or "building culture" too seriously while you're working. Fun fuels friendships, and friendships are the foundation of functional teams.

For now, we are more human than the machines. May we all make daily choices about our interactions so that we might stay that way.

One More Moment: Transforming Workplace Connections

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

The one thing I wish I could give every workplace is the gift of a culture filled with human connection.

The one thing I every company and organization needs to perform at a higher level is a culture filled with human connection.

And yet...

Tasks, To-Dos, 1-on-1's, QPRs, Demands, Performance Reviews, All Hands Meetings

Agendas, Priorities, Quarterly Targets...

The workplace can be inhuman. The workplace can be gray and sickly.The workplace can be soul-sucking.

Finding inspiration to connect with other humans deeply, within the kafkaesque daily grind, can feel impossible. I get it.

In today's fast-paced world, it's easy to treat conversations as transactions—brief exchanges of information, devoid of depth and genuine connection.

But what if you dared to transform just "One More Moment"?

Not the whole day. Not the whole workplace culture all at once. But just one moment in your day.

What I've learned is that one more moment can be everything. One more moment of feeling cared for can make me not want to quit tomorrow. One more moment of feeling seen and heard can make me want to contribute more. One more moment of feeling like I matter can make me a fanatic for our company's cause.

Imagine taking one more moment tomorrow, looking up from your screen, and meeting a co-worker's eyes with undivided attention. Imagine one more moment in the breakroom going one-level deeper when a colleague shares an anecdote about their life. Imagine one more moment with your supervisor where you allow them to be just 1% more human with you than your relationship normally requires.

Imagine the story you'll tell your family around the dinner table tomorrow night about how good of a day you had at work.

"One More Moment" extends beyond face-to-face encounters. In the realm of digital communication, where speed often trumps connection, we can make a difference there too. Picture a Zoom call where you, noticing your colleague's quiet demeanor, take a breath and ask a genuine question about their personal life. With that one extra moment, you can convey care and acknowledge the whole person behind the screen.

Even in the realm of emails, texts, or Slack messages, we can infuse "One More Moment" into our digital interactions. It's the difference between a hurried response and a thoughtful inquiry about someone's well-being. It's a small gesture that can have a significant impact on the quality of our relationships.

Think about it. One more moment each hour, amidst the demands of an eight-hour workday, to make a more Socially Excellent choice. It's a choice to put people before tasks, to cultivate a culture of love-filled collegiality, and to transform the way we connect in the workplace.

Imagine the possibilities if we collectively embraced "One More Moment." Team dynamics might shift from transactional to transformative. Productivity might thrive as individuals feel seen, heard, and valued. And in the midst of our professional pursuits, we might cultivate a deeper sense of belonging and fulfillment.

So, as you navigate your workplace today and tomorrow, I encourage you to take a breath, pause, and choose "One More Moment." Embrace the power of connection, both in person in your digital life. Let's dare to create a workplace culture that embodies Social Excellence — one moment at a time.

1 to 3 Feet of Real Estate (That Could Transform Your Career)

This is part of a series of articles on Social Excellence in the workplace called “The Relationship Business Series.” Because after all, we’re all in the relationship business. For more helpful content like this, sign up for (free) The 21 Days of Social Excellence.

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by Matt Mattson

It's right there in front of you.

The most important real estate you'll encounter in your professional life.

I know it's not big. But that's the point.

Just 1 to 3 feet of space. And it could make all the difference.

All the difference in your career.

All the difference in your professional fulfillment.

All the difference in your workplace culture.

All the difference for you as a leader and supervisor.

All the difference.

According to social scientists, the average amount of space between people in a conversation is somewhere between 1 to 3 feet.

That space... the space between us... that 1 to 3 feet of real estate... it's everything.

If you focused a LOT more of your attention on how you fill that small amount of space, everything will change.

The way we fill the space between ourselves and our colleagues defines WHO we are as a professional.

Every deal you ever make will happen in that space.

Every mentor you ever have will make their impact in that space.

Every promotion you ever get will be because of how you fill that space.

Fill it with listening. Fill it with things that generate trust. Fill it with care. Fill it with curiosity, love, and vulnerability.

The best professionals are good at the real estate game. They invest in that small space over and over throughout their career. And that investment keeps paying off guaranteed dividends over time.

Welcome to this series of articles and videos we created for the business world: “The Relationship Business Series”. Because we’re all in the relationship business, aren’t we?

We’ve been teaching Social Excellence in corporate spaces, non-profit spaces, university spaces, faith spaces, and any space that will have us… for a long time. We wanted to create this simple series as a fresh way to think about the power of human connection in your career life. We hope you’ll enjoy it!

#CuriouslyUncertain: A TEDx Talk from Matt Mattson

by Matt Mattson

What an honor it was to be asked to deliver a second TEDx Talk (first one here). This one was a LOT harder, if you want to know the truth.

I’d been dreaming of a book on “Uncertainty” or something that allowed me to push back against the overwhelming sense of people trying to be “right” all the time. I’ve been sensing a societal shift of unapolgetic-ness, of heel digging, of blind certainty. This need to be “right” seems to be dividing us, all the while I keep discovering new ways in which curiosity and choosing to be a “learner” brings people together.

I wanted to preach this to the world. I wanted to challenge religious people, political people, people on social media, and anyone else who was choosing to put up a wall of certainty. I wanted to offer a philosophy that serves me well when I choose to adopt it.

So I originally wrote this (and I didn’t really love it), then I wrote this blog post, but I wanted to do something more with the idea. I’m really proud of this talk.

You know how when you make something like this, you only notice the mistakes you made? When I wrote this originally, there was a line that I loved… and wouldn’t you know it, I forgot to deliver it. Here’s something I wanted to say about two thirds of the way through.

What if we weren’t so afraid of uncertainty? In fact, what if we chose to celebrate uncertainty? What if we chose to relish uncertainty? What if we worshipped uncertainty? What if being uncertain was our dogma? What if "I'm not sure, but I'm trying to learn" became our mantra? What if I told you that I believe our curiosity, our wonder, our inquisitiveness, and our sense of possibility are the most powerful tools we have to heal a broken and divided world?

So the truth is, I’m not great at asking questions. My business partner Josh Orendi is a master questioner, and I’ve always admired it. I think that’s one thing that made this really hard to memorize and deliver. I had to rewire my brain to only ask questions.

I think this is true for a lot of people. It makes sense to everyone that you should listen twice as much as you talk, and that “you got two ears and one mouth for a reason.” We all know that listening and asking great questions can make you a better leader, more liked, and more influential overall. But most of us rarely do it. We’ve been trained to seek answers not questions (love this talk on a similar topic).

So, I hope you find this most recent TEDx Talk of mine challenging, fun, and valuable. I didn’t have to do 20 push-ups on stage, so I’m proud of that… but I’m also proud that I took a risk, challenged myself, and put a piece of art into the world that, in both form and content, is meant to challenge others to live more successful and fulfilling lives full of human connection through just one simple change… more and better questions.

If you want me or one of our team members to come work with an audience or organization you’re a part of, please just email me (matt@social-excellence.com). We’d love to add more curiosity, uncertainty, and human connection to your group. Thanks for watching!

Be Civil!

by Matt Mattson

Our world is desperate for more civility!

Just look at today’s news (literally, whenever “today” is for you, dear reader). On the “today” of writing this post, the media outlets were dumbfounded by The President’s use of obscene language in a public speech. And across the Atlantic, the people of The United Kingdom are protesting in the streets about Brexit. Your “today” is probably different than mine, but I’m guessing you’ll find similar evidence of a need for a more civil world on newsstands right now.

We must re-introduce civility into our collective social contract.

Did you know that, according to a recent poll, a majority of Americans say incivility is a major problem?

Did you know that, according to another recent poll, a majority of Americans fear our country’s incivility crisis will lead to violence?

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What Did Gandhi Think?

I don't want to be the guy who tries to boil everything in life down to a Gandhi quote, but this refrain from Mahatma was too good to pass up...

"Civility does not ...mean the mere outward gentleness of speech cultivated for the occasion, but an inborn gentleness and desire to do the opponent good."

Civility (and for that matter, this message of "Social Excellence" that we've been teaching for a long time) is not about the little outward tactics to make interpersonal communication easier or smoother. It's not about being polite, making friends, or obeying oppressive cultural norms. It's not about that stuff to me anyway. Civility is understanding how to relate to others (and making interpersonal communication choices) for the benefit of society.

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All for One; One for All

One of the two TED talks linked at the bottom of this post (the one by Steven Petrow) offers this definistion of civility that is fantastic, “Citizens willing to give of themselves for the good of the city.” He talks of the latin root of the word civil, and it’s connection with the greater society.

Similarly, when we’ve written about the concept of Social Excellence, we’ve noted the two latin roots of the word “Social.”

Socius: referring to friendship, interpersonal connection, and communication skills.

Socialis: referring to society, social justice, and the greater good.

The idea of civility, and indeed the idea of Social Excellence as we teach it, is about far more than simply being respectful, kind, and tolerant. It is about doing these things (and more) so that one can make the world a better place.

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More On Gandhi’s Quote

Gandhi talks about two things in his famous quote about civility. 1) "an inborn gentleness" and 2) a "desire to do the opponent good."

Let's explore these, shall we?

An Inborn Gentleness

Perhaps sincere civility is born from our hearts, not our minds. Perhaps sincere civility is the practical application of the Greek concept of "agape," or "love for everyone." Perhaps it is important to also differentiate "sincere civility" from contrived, manipulative, or oppressive civility. Because the requirement of particular decorum, the deft employment of manners to beguile others, and the slick use of etiquette are powerful weapons that have been wielded by society’s elite for millenia. Gandhi’s quote reminds us that true civility is a virtue that flows from the innate goodness of humanity. An “inborn gentleness” that one must assume Gandhi believed all humans posessed.

A Desire To Do The Opponent Good

I love this part of the Gandhi quote. It kind of surprises you if you’re not ready for it. He suggests that being civil requires selflessness. This line eliminates being “polite,” “tolerant,” or merely “respectful” as synonyms to civility. Gandhi suggests that our desire (read: intention) must be to benefit the opponent!

There is so much to unpack here. First, the admission that civility requires an opponent. And it’s o.k. to call them our opponent. It’s o.k. to admit disagreement, to acknowledge dissent, and to honor their alternative point of view. Secondly, I interpret and extrapolate this line to suggest that if our intention is to do good for our opponent, by extension, or intention must be to make all of society better.

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A Challenge To Be A Civil Citizen

This comes directly from this NPR Article that inspired much of this post:

"Civility is the baseline of respect that we owe one another in public life," says Keith Bybee, the author of How Civility Works. "And when people talk about a crisis in civility, they usually are reporting their sense that there is not a shared understanding of what that baseline of respect ought to be."

We’re losing our shared understanding of the social baseline. We’re desperate for new, modern, relevant rules that reflect the values of today and tomorrow, not just the expectations of a yesteryear gone by. We need standards we can all agree upon about how to productively engage with one another in a civil way — for the benefit of society.

I invite you to explore this related post on Social Transformation. As I’ve been exploring civility, this post that I wrote a while ago keeps coming to mind. Perhaps the “rules” outlined in that post are useful as we seek the modern application of “civility” in today’s world.

Be civil, people. Our world needs it from you.

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Watch These Related TED Talks

[Quick note: A bunch of this post was inspired by this NPR article and the fact that I've been asked to speak about civility at my church this Sunday!]

Curiosity: I Have Some Questions

by Matt Mattson

Why do so many people suggest that being curious is something for children (or cats)? Shouldn't adults be curious? Aren't super-curious adults some of the most intelligent, interesting, and easy-to-connect-with people you know?

Why do so many people fail to appreciate curiosity? Isn't curiosity the only realy method we have to tap into the life wisdom of other humans? Isn't it our only tactic for mental growth? Isn't it the only way to learn?

Why do so many people take curiosity for granted? Do most people in your life consistently ask great questions that lead to great conversations? Do most people you know have pro level curiosity skills, or are they curiosity-challenged? Have you ever noticed how so many people never really ask interesting questions?

What are the best questions you've ever been asked?

What questions do you find yourself consistently asking that lead to real connection?

How can you go beyond the surface level questions ("Where are you from?" "How's it going?" "How about this weather?")

What are the questions you find yourself consistently asking that lead to surface level blah-ness?

If you could go back and ask someone from your past one question, what would it be? Why aren't you asking questions like that to the people who are in your life today?

Is there any meaningful moment of human connection in your life that didn't include someone being curious?

What do you really wish your partner, kid, parent, love interest, boss, teacher, or best friend would ask you, but they've never asked?

What are the big questions about life, death, God, the universe, sex, politics, and that kind of stuff that you want to ask but never have?

What is the question that gnaws at you but you can’t seem to find the answer?

What percentage of conversations in any given day do you lead with questions as opposed to statements or stories about yourself?

What if instead of waiting for your turn to talk in a conversation, you kept saying things like, "Tell me more" and "Why?" and "How?"?

How would your work or school life improve if you forced yourself to ask 10% more questions every day than normal?

Who is the person in your life that always asks the best questions? Can you ask them to teach you how they do it?

Did you know that asking about a person's FAMILY or FRIENDS, what they do for FUN, where they're FROM, and what their FAVORITE things to do are can be great ways to just remember "f words" to keep your conversations going?

Have you noticed how many questions I've asked you?

Will you ask more questions today?

Did you know that CURIOSITY is one of the “4 Pillars of Social Excellence”? Have you read our book? What if I told you we believe that being more intentionally curious every day can lead to a happier, more successful, more fulfilling life? What if “curiosity” isn’t just about questions, but is also about how humbly you enter into any moment? What if “curiosity” was a challenge to be a learner more often, to be a listener more often, and to accept uncertainty as a point of pride?

Speaking of; why don’t we celebrate uncertainty more? What if we chose to relish uncertainty? What if "I'm not sure, but I'm trying to learn" became our mantra? What if all you've been told about what's certain couldn't possibly be if many others are certain about their (almost certainly different) point of view? 

What if our curiosity, our wonder, our inquisitiveness, and our sense of possibility are the most powerful tools we have?

Will you accept a “DARE” to only talk in questions for the rest of your day just to see what happens?

All Leadership Is Social

by Matt Mattson

There are so many opinions on leadership. Our is certainly just one of the millions. But we're not here to teach how how to leverage your authority, how to lead like a shark, or how to climb the ladder of leadership.

We're here to remind you of one simple, undeniable, utterly powerful truth: ALL LEADERSHIP IS SOCIAL.

After all, you can't lead nobody.

Your ability to connect, in meaningful ways, with real humans, determines your ability to lead.

Leadership happens in the space between you and other people. The way you fill that space -ideally with curiosity, generosity, authenticity, and vulnerability - will determine the extent to which you fill your leadership potential.

People follow those they know, trust, and believe. People follow those who touch their hearts not knock their heads. People don't care what you know, think, believe, or desire until they know that you care about them.

Leadership is a social endeavor. Leadership only happens between and among humans. Humans are social animals - we are driven by our innate desire for human connection. It stands to reason, then, that ALL LEADERSHIP IS SOCIAL.

In practice, this means that your title, the size of your desk, the location of your office, the label on your clothes, the level of importance you feel... all that pales in comparison to your ability to connect with others. Leadership happens in the space between you and other humans. Period. That's the only place it can happen. The way you fill that space (we recommend choosing to fill it with a lifestyle overflowing with Social Excellence) will determine your potential as a leader.

Why We Teach Social Excellence?

by Matt Mattson

There are far too many strangers in our world.

Even some of the people closest to us feel like strangers.

We live on the surface of each others' lives. We barely know each other. We chit chat. We keep it safe.

Meanwhile we're lonely. We don't feel seen, heard, or known. We are desperately longing for true connection.

We've been teaching this message called Social Excellence (our definition can be found on our website) for almost 10 years now. We wrote a book on it. There's a TEDx talk about it. There's a podcast about it. We teach it to tens of thousands of people every year. We teach it to students and professionals, we teach it to leaders and learners, we teach it to kids and CEOs. We teach it to organizations and individuals. We are on a mission to spread human connection by empowering others to choose a lifestyle of Social Excellence.

But why? I mean, there are the obvious reasons...

• "Kids these days don't know how to have real conversations."

• "The internet is destroying humanity."

• "Everyone is getting so mean."

But for us, there are some bigger reasons...

• The world is only changed when people gather together to talk about the things that are important to them, and we want to make that happen more often.

• If businesses, non-profits, clubs, organizations, associations, congregations, and groups of any sort put real relationships at the center of their strategy, they'd find a higher level of success.

• The only way to make the world a better place is by starting with the space between ourselves and other human beings. If we can create a space filled with love, compassion, understanding, and positivity there, we are doing the most important work in the world.

For us, this idea of Social Excellence has always been about changing the world. It isn't about social skills or being able to woo others. Social Excellence is about understanding that we are social animals, and as such, if we want to find success and fulfillment in life, we should probably get really good at being social.

When we teach others Social Excellence, it is rarely actually us teaching anything. Instead, we're reminding others of their natural human gift and desire for connection, and then we give them permission to use it to its full extent. We are all fully capable of shaking hands, going one level deeper in our conversations, asking better questions and then going deeper still. We're all fully capable of being generous with our attention and our intentions. We're all fully capable of authentic connection that honors the lived experience of others. We're all fully capable of vulnerably making ourselves available for connection with others.

I often talk about Social Excellence as my "spiritual center." I don't really mean that in any religious way, but I do mean that all of our work with organizations, all of our entrepreneurial pursuits that involve technology, marketing, writing, speaking, innovating, and empowering... they all are infused with the DNA of Social Excellence. The idea of Social Excellence inspires everything that we do to be about helping people connect, helping people gather, helping people change the world through their relationships with others.

We believe that every business, every non-profit, every organization, every association, every congregation, every group of any sort needs Social Excellence as a core ethic to meet its full potential. We also believe that every individual who chooses to strive for Social Excellence as their lifestyle will find transformational life improvement because of more and deeper relationships that matter to them.

I'm proud of our work with Social Excellence, and I'm excited to see who it connects us with next.

Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom

by Matt Mattson

Many people know The Serenity Prayer...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer has been said millions of times by millions of people. Many know it as a common saying used by folks in recovery from addiction. Others just find it to be a helpful daily mediation.

You know what you cannot change? Other people.

You know what you can change? You.

As  you seek deep human connection with others. As you pursue deep-spirited friendships, meaningful relationships, and powerful interpersonal encounters, know that the only thing within your control is you. 

If someone rebuffs your kind-hearted outreach... You can't control whatever hurt or loss or fear that person likely has that fueled their response. You can only control whether you let their rejection hurt you and keep you from being kind-hearted with others.

If someone fails to recognize your genuine effort to apologize, care, or love... You can't control the emotions they're feeling or the unresolved anger they're harboring or the wall they've built around their heart. You can only control whether your heart hardens or softens. That's what's in your control. You can fight back or love back. That's your choice.

If someone ridicules and rejects your attempt to engage in substantial dialogue about an issue that matters to you... You can't control their entrenchments. You can't control their self-preservation. You can't control their fear of change or growth. You can only control your willingness to listen, learn, and grow. Your next move can be to exclude or include. That's your choice.

May you be granted the serenity to accept those things you can not change. May you have the courage to change the things you can. And may you be wise in your discernment of the difference. 

How To Actually Change The World (Social Transformation)

by Matt Mattson

There's a lot of shouting right now. Has been for a while. And I don't blame the shouters. They have a right to be angry, to shout, to fight, and to rage against the powers that be. I'm mad too. And it is a fine place to start.

But what if you want to make this world a better place for the long-haul? What if you want to make impact beyond surface-level, and truly transform the world to be a better place for you, your neighbor, and everyone?

I don't think anger and fighting can sustain. I think love must lead. 

There have been plenty of brilliant thinkers over the years who have taught just that.

To actually change the world, and not just rearrange it, we have to come together and do work fueled by love. 

If you find yourself looking for proof everyone is against you. If you find yourself able to see the darkness in anyone. If you find yourself posting, shouting, tearing down, retweeting, commenting, dismantling, unseating, blaming, or shaming... you might not be wrong at all. And it might be temporarily helpful. But that fighting can not sustain. It can't sustain you, and it can't sustain the cause you're meaning to champion.

I offer these 5 Considerations For Becoming Socially Transformative (Beyond Social Excellence). If they strike you as helpful in the short-term or in the long-term, I hope you consider applying them to your efforts to change the world.

HONOR EACH TRUTH
We must find each other's lived truth to be worthy and valuable. No matter how different it might be from our own. 

Every person has acted or will act based on the lessons they've learned (right or wrong) throughout their life and their perception of the likelihood of those actions to gain them more love (or to keep them safer). Each person, no matter how much distance between their point of view and your own, is seeking safety, love, and a way to matter in this world - just like you. I know you think their choices to achieve those things are ridiculous. They think the same of you. But understanding, honoring, and celebrating the authentic truth of each person you encounter is the only way forward. 

To change the world (through ways other than annihilating the enemy) requires working with them. Their truth is true. It might be uncomfortable and hurtful and dangerous to your truth, but it is true. Start by loving it. 

RELISH UNCERTAINTY
Everyone seems to be in a race to be right. And the more certain your team is about its rightness, the safer you feel. But I believe that nothing is hurting our world more right now than certainty. 

Certainty in our politics is deepening the divide between us. Certainty in our religion is poisoning the deepest waters of our humanity. Certainty in our rightness and the wrongness of "the other" is limiting our ability to engage with those others in a way that might allow them to learn from our perspective (and maybe even vice versa). 

What if we chose to relish uncertainty? What if "I'm not sure, but I'm trying to learn" became our mantra? What if all you've been told about what's certain couldn't possibly be if many others are certain about their point of view? 

I have faith in uncertainty. I cherish it. I worship it. We were created as beings able to learn and grow and change and improve. That gift in the way we were created is divine. When we dive deeply into the pool of uncertainty we are tapping into the very essence of our human potential. Our curiosity, our wonder, our inquisitiveness, and our sense of possibility might be the most powerful tools we have. They are to be credited for everything that has advanced us (and admittedly the things that have harmed us too). 

A mindset that rejects blind and immature certainty but pursues ever improving answers with passion will win the day. This is the mindset we need to engage one another respectfully and hopefully.

LOVE UNEXPECTEDLY
Lead with love. In every interaction. In every encounter. In every moment. Lead with love. Especially when it is unexpected.

Love those you might feel justified to hate. Love those who are indifferent to your cause. Love those who are hurtful and bring pain. 

Is that sometimes nearly impossible because we're only humans? Yes. Try anyway.

I'm not the first person (by far) to suggest love as the only path forward. And perhaps I only barely understand what it means. But the alternatives seem both obviously ineffective and overly employed. 

I think we all have a choice in every moment to approach it with love or not. I choose love. And it is a powerful force for change.

HEIGHTEN YOUR PERSPECTIVE
A socially transformative person has to be able to see beyond the tunnel vision that seems rational. A view from above is required. Meditating on a universe-level perspective provides insight and wisdom that leaves mere knowledge and experiences seeming trite.

This, to me, is the power of philosophy and spirituality. To elevate our point of view to that of God or Truth or eons. Tuning into these channels with one ear while keeping the other side of our head pressed firmly to the ground of others' true everyday lived experiences is both difficult and required of a socially transformative person. 

ACT, GO, DO
Start at home. Start with what's right in front of you. Go. Act on it. Create something. Hit send. Commit. Start living as if. Charge hard in the direction of the world you want. Talk sucks; work.
 

These are my best guesses at truth right now. I want to help people gather together more often and more effectively so that they might help one another transform society. The basic principles of Social Excellence apply. This blog is my first stab at answering the question, "What's next?" If someone chooses to live their life with Social Excellence, what's the next level? How do they move from being excellent to becoming socially transformative change agents. 

*Thanks to Rev. Justin Spurlock for pushing me on the term "Social Transformation." Thanks to everyone I expect to criticize this post (either silently or publicly).  I appreciate that you read it. I recognize my privileged point of view. I recognize the ease with which I suggest these things. I recognize the safety from which I write. I hit send anyway because it felt important.

The One Reason Human Connection Matters Most

by Matt Mattson

You want me to talk to strangers? Why?

You want me to go to this networking event? Why?

You want me to make a phone call to a potential donor? Why?

You want me to go introduce myself to the new neighbor? Why?

You want me to have a conversation that's deeper than surface level? Why?

You want me to engage with people who strongly disagree with me? Why?

I don't know. You tell me.

If you tell me your purpose -- your personal purpose, your professional purpose, or your cause-based purpose -- I'll make a $100 bet that that purpose will be advanced because of your choice to take your human connection to the next level.

That's the one reason why you should do those things. That's the one reason human connection matters most -- YOUR REASON.

Why do you exist? Probably lots of reasons. But if you were to distill your reason for being on this earth down to one or two things, what would they be?

I believe everyone was put on this earth for a reason. I believe you're here to make some impact, to leave some mark, to put your stamp on the world somehow. Discovering that reason is the topic of a different post (or really, a lifetime of exploration), but if you're lucky enough to have some idea of what your purpose is, you'll realize that YOUR PURPOSE IS THE REASON TO CONNECT WITH OTHERS, and more so, CONNECTING WITH OTHERS MIGHT BE THE MOST EFFECTIVE ACT YOU CAN TAKE TO ADVANCE YOUR PURPOSE.

I think I was put on this earth to help people gather together to talk about the important stuff of life. That's why I'm here. Knowing that gives me such clarity and peace, and it also gives me motivation and drive to push myself beyond my comfort zone and engage with others. Because I'll never find the next way to fulfill my purpose unless I connect with others who might be able to help me.

I try to say YES to coffee meetings, phone calls, e-mails full of curiosity, and opportunities to shake hands with new people. Many times those things result in nothing tangible, but sometimes they become the next big thing for me.

What is your purpose? Your "WHY"? That's the reason you should shake that next hand. That's the reason you should take advantage of that networking event. That's the reason you should meet the person sitting next to you on the bus, in your worship service, in class, or at the coffee shop. That's the reason you should go one level deeper in your conversation with your work colleague.